Establishing Trust Is A Problem in Cuba!

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Establishing Trust Is A Problem in Cuba!

by Alice
(Toronto)

Having read through the many pages on this excellent website I am incredibly wary of getting involved with a Cuban man.

Last year I visited Cuba and travelled all over the island and found it to be very beautiful.

During my last week I met a man in a Casa de La Trova in a small town. He was very attractive and caught my eye. Not pushy like the other men. We danced and saw each other every night for five nights until it was time for me to fly home.

We emailed each other for the past nine months. Earlier this month I emailed him to say I had booked a last minute flight and would be arriving the following week in his town.

For 10 days I heard nothing and was shocked. Had he met another woman?. So I decided to cancel the internal flight to his town and remain in Havana for the week.

A day before I flew there I received an email from him telling me how happy he was and would be waiting for me at the airport. I had to tell him I had cancelled the domestic flight and would now be staying in Havana. He called me there and we spoke for an hour, he wanted to join me but I had only a day left and did not want him to incur the expense of travelling over 1,000 miles.

Since then I have not heard from him. I emailed his friend who told me he was 'trite' Spanish for 'down' about us not meeting.

His friend also told me that he owed him for seven previous emails so he had stopped sending his messages.

I have no idea if this man is genuine or not. Should I spend the airfare to fly there again, and does he really love me as he has said in all of his messages.

ANWSER by Vic webmaster Havana-guide.com

I thank you for the kind words about the site, we try to supply our visitors with the best
information.

Can I be honest? It's not my intention to know everything better but your story identifies red flags to me. Lots of Cubans in the tourist areas fake friendschip or love. Some are very sophisticated in faking friendschip, they see it as a kind of game. Faking love is called the "te quiero mucho" (I love you very much) game
in Cuba. I can tell hundreds of "fake and scam" stories,...all for money, Cubans are incredibly inventive. It's good to know that several Cubans have more than one yuma (foreigner) fiancee, and jump from one relation to another to have a constant income source. After all my experiences in Cuba I have found only one real Cuban friend who I can trust, most of the so called friends have cheated me but cheaters and scams are everywhere. What can you do? Only time can tell you! In a Cuban friendschip or love affair NEVER progress fast, trust is a thing that has to built up slowly , bit by bit. Protect yourself if much money is involved slow down, say that you don't have the money. Expect something back from your Cuban, let him prove you're valuable to him. Do not accept a one-way relation. Test the "trust" relation, leave small amounts of money on the table, check if nothing disappears. Fake that you're running out of money to see his reaction, will he drop you or really search for a solution. All those things are little indications of honesty. Only after time, and this process can take serveral years you can start trusting each other. In your homeland too, when you meet a complete stranger, you have to built up trust and again in some situations this can take years. In your case I would wait, when you hear nothing from him, he's probably a "jinetero" a hustler or a cheater.
Wish you all the best!

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Establishing Trust Is A Problem in Cuba!

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Sep 18, 2010
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Please Wake Up!
by: Cubano

COMMENT DELETED

PLEASE, DO NOT REPEAT YOUR COMMENTS THREE TIMES.
WE DO APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS BUT DO NOT LIKE DUPLICATE POSTS.
Your message can be found back on the other threads.
Thanks for your cooperation
Vic, Webmaster

Jul 22, 2010
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His Reply To Me Received Today
by: Alice

Vic, I promised to update you on my story.

As you know I was totally honest and spelt it out to him last week. told him I had no plans to marry, ever, nor to maintain him or any man.

Nor would I every fly a man out of Cuba. I knew he was angry when he wrote accusing me of judging him the same as all Cubans, which is not true. I was just being honest and prepared to never hear from him again.

Here is his reply received today. What is your honest opinion. Does he sound sincere?.

Hola mi amor como estas, espero que bien y en compañía de tus seres queridos, por aquí todo estupendo, solo te escribo para repetirte lo que ya te he dicho que te quiero y te extraño mucho.

En estos días anteriores hemos pasado mucho tiempo escribiendo y un tanto discutiendo, quisiera que este correo solo fuese para decirnos cosas agradables sin preocupaciones de cuando vendrás ni nada de eso, solo para decir lo mucho que te extraño y el deseo que tengo de tenerla entre mis brazos de besarla de darle cariño, no me estoy mostrando sumiso ni nada es solo que estoy cansado de pelear y discutir solo quiero estar y tranquilo pasar un buen rato la mayor parte del tiempo posible con la mujer con quien quiero estar, y esa mujer eres tu . sin mas un beso grande de corazón.

Carlos.

Nota: Espero con ansias tu llegada a Cuba.

Comments by Vic
Well it sounds good Alice, he longs for you, want to hold you in his arms and kiss you. He asks you to stop talking about negative things. He hopes you will come back to Cuba.

Is he sincere? I don't know, don't know what's on his mind. Only time can tell.
He want to be your friend, it's good you said that you will not maintain him. BUT I will always be suspicious, I've seen to much. It will take a lot of time to really know him. I test Cubans continuously, for instance, I leave a wallet with money (not much but sufficient) on the table. When Cubans want me to pay drinks, restaurant meals, clothing, etc. I cancel the friendschip. Trust is great, but blind faith can be deadly. Take it on the bright side, maybe after time you find a dear friend in him. This is what I sincerely hope for you.
All the best
Vic

Jul 16, 2010
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Thank You So Much Vic For Your Translation and Insightful Opinion
by: Alice

Vic thank you.

Once again you provide wonderfully insightful advice.

Thank you for translating his message. When I have tried to do the same via Google or another translation service it reads so much more angry, as if all were lost.

I wrote to him yesterday to explain that I was in no way generalising or discriminating against all Cubans, that I was merely pointing out that I am the kind of woman who would never fly a man out of Cuba or maintain a man.

That this was not aimed at him but it is just how I am as a person. I like to talk straight and to be honest, life is too short not to be.

I felt it was time to cut through the waffle and cut to the chase.

In other words I wanted to go beyond the script, the endearments, and spell out to him what to expect from me, then it is up to him to either accept those terms or reject them.

You're right they do have this tremendous sense of pride and think everything we write is a slight on them. A childish way of thinking really.

I will write to him to explain that my words were misinterpreted and that it would be better to get to know each other when I return....Of course that's if he still want to see me.

Jul 16, 2010
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Comments and Translation by Vic
by: Vic

He writes that all Cubans thank God are not the same
but thoughts and opinions are free. Call me Carlos and not an average Cuban.
When you think that you are used, than it's your problem. I don't want you to maintain
me I also repeat that I don't want your money, Please understand this!
Return when you decide or like. You are the master of your thoughts, I am angry to you
Alice, all persons in this world are of flesh and bones, we are all equal, nobody is better
than another one. Alice I don't want to be treated badly, you treat me bad with terrible words
I don't deserve this kind of respect. All the best. Kisses.

To me it sounds that he is hurt. I can see the difference in both cultures the Western world
and the Latin world. We come straight to the point and say things the way we see it.
In the Latin world, honor and repect are important. You have to give respect to Cubans
by twisting your words in way that they are sugar coated, and not can be understand as being hostile.
It felt good to me the day I was congratulated by Cubans for giving them 'Respect'.

He is hurt but I think not all is lost, he writes "all the best" and "kisses" write to him that you will return to talk about your feelings that it is difficult to write about feelings over the internet. That it is easy to be misunderstood on the internet ( which is the truth) and that you not fully master the language and understand all the nuances.

GOOD LUCK!
The best
Vic
Havana-guide.com

Jul 15, 2010
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Update and Advice Please.
by: Alice

I have been communicating with my Cuban friend for the past 15 months. We met last year and got to known each other over five days in a small town 1,000 kilometres from Havana.

Though I speak and understand some Spanish I do not write it well and have to rely on internet translation service which is not great.

Last week I spelt it out in an email to Carlos who keeps asking me to return. Before I booked the ticket I told him there is no way I would ever invite a Cuban man here. Nor would I ever maintain a man or his family. I am not saying he would expect this but after reading the many horror stories here I wanted to make it clear to him and establish boundaries.

I was shocked at his angry reply to me. No 'te quero mucho' or 'te estranjar'.

He sounded hurt which is sad. Also hostile.
I feel he is overreacting. I have posted his message below and would be grateful for a translation and also to have your feelings on what he wrote. Should I not book that flight?

Hola como estas, espero que estes muy bien, usted discrimina a todos los cubanos por igual pero grasias a dios todos no somos iguales, pero las opiniones y los pensamientos son libres recuerdas que me llamo Carlos no cualquier cubano, estas muy equivocada Alice, si crees y piensas que te estoy utilisando es tu problema, tampoco quiero ni deseo que me mantengas, no me hace falta tu dinero entiendelo de una ves. regrese cuando usted decees y quieras, usted es dueña de tus sentimientos. estoy muy henojado con usted Alice todas las personas del mundo somos de carne y hueso somos iguales y tenemos sentimientos, nadie es mejor que nadie, Alice no quiero ser maltratado y mucho menos pisado por nadie usted me maltratas con palabras orribles y no meresco esto meresco lo mejor,un beso

Apr 25, 2010
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Thank You For Your Insightful and Informed Response
by: Alice

As always Vic you are a source of immense wisdom and insight when it comes to relationships and in particular relationships with Cubans.

I definitely think there is a great book in you waiting to be published, on this very subject. It would fly off the shelves.

Because today I feel that marriage fraud is an enormous problem. Not just in Cuba but worldwide. Russians Moroccans Africans Indians, citizens of literally all less developed countries are seeking a way out and using marriage as a means to achieve this.

I do not believe in the outdated institution of marriage which has been defiled as a result of fraud. I have worked hard for what I have and I also have an inbuilt radar for detecting users and controlling men. To me marriage to that kind of man would be like being in prison.

On the first evening I spelt it out to this man that I would never ever marry, or import a man to my country. Over time during nine months of emailing back and forth we got to know each other. He was prepared to hitchike for 24 hours to meet me in Havana.

He says he would love for me to live in Cuba in the future, and on my terms. He has worked all of his life and is an honest decent man.

His town is not known for mass tourism so he is not a jinetero or user of women. Though he was shocked that I travelled there and did not go to see him he is understanding and puts it down to bad communication. I also understand Spanish but do not write it well.

I will get to know him better in time and am not rushing into anything. I have never allowed love to rule my actions, decisions or logic. I am the one calling the shots and would never ever allow myself to be used. Not at all. I know I deserve the best and will never settle for less.

ANSWER

Alice, thanks for your kind words. It took me several years to learn a bit more about the "Cuban Soul", take the time to educate yourself, learn Cuban slang, its a complete different language, Cubans have many special slang expressions. This way you can better understand the situation, what's going on.
Good Luck, all the best,
Vic

Apr 25, 2010
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Comments for Alice - Toronto
by: Vic - Webmaster Havana-guide

Hi Alice,
Thanks for your update!
It's difficult to give sound advice beause each relation is different and unique, but I will
try to explain the "Cuban relations culture" I hope that this will give you a deeper insight.
First this, we foreigners (Cubans call us YUMAS) have a complete different idea of a
"Cuban relation" and we are not used to the "Cuban culture of cheating".
This way of living is deep embedded in the Cuban society. The daily struggle for survival, the
shortages, low wages, the ubiquitous presence of spies and secret police has created
a culture of pretending, cheating and lies, even between Cubans.
Cuba has one of the highest divorce rates in the world (70%) and in practice the
situation is worse because lots of Cubans live together without an official marriage.
There are many single Cuban women left behind by their Cuban husband. With an average
income of 20-25 $ per month is almost impossible to feed a family, so several Cuban
men leave their family and start all over, the barrier for marriage and divorce is very low.
For Cubans the pretending and lies are a way of life, even among Cubans, they are
masters in inventing stories and fake explanations when it comes to generate money
to survive. I have seen Cubans cheating Cubans, but also seen foreigners living for years
in Cuba adapt the same way of pretending and cheating. You have to understand what
struggle for survival or a better life can do with honest people. How far they will go!
Some Cubans risk their life in an attempt to escape with a raft or tires to reach Maimi
and to defy the sharks on the sea.
To be realistic, yes true friendschip and love exists in Cuba but are rather exceptions
than the rule. You always have to remain vigilant. My advise enjoy your stay in Cuba,
enjoy your relation, but protect yourself, don't talk about your financial status, keep a
low profile, protect your assets, don't promise a visa or a ticket for abroad (this often the only
reason for the relation) Test the relation for a few years, only time can tell if your relation
is true in the meantime, remain vigilant, don't believe everything they tell you. Learn
Spanish to follow the conversations so you can understand what is said behind your back.
I know this may sound a bit negative, but things are the way they are.
Wish you hapiness and good luck!
Kind Regards
Vic

Apr 21, 2010
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Update on my Cuban Romance
by: Alice

Good Morning Vic.

I promised to keep you updated on my story.

Last year I met a man in a small town on the East Coast. We really clicked. Communication was great. The week passed all too quickly. We communicated for nine months by email.

Early this year I booked a last minute flight, in the meantime I did not receive a reply from him, it was during the New Year vacation so he did not haver access to the internet. So I decided to remain in Havana and have a quiet week. When he called me he was shocked to think I had travelled all way and not made the effort to see him.

We spoke for an hour on the phone and I could hear the sadness in his voice.

There was a breakdown in communication since then.

Today I received an email from him telling me he has never stopped thinking of me, he hopes all is well in my life, and that he would love to hear from me again, that I am the only woman for him and he wants us to share, relive those happy moments again.

I sensed a sincerity in his message. There was none of the 'T Quero Mucho'. He has never asked me for anything, which is a good sign. He also paid his share when we went out.

I am in no hurry to return, I am busy with work and my life here. However I still have feelings for him, and I will remain in contact.

It is nice to know that nothing has changed and he still feels the same. He also is aware that I have no plans to ever marry, and that basically I do not believe in the institution of marriage.

Your wise feedback would be appreciated Vic.

Feb 17, 2010
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Thank You!
by: Alice

Thank you so much Vic for your sensible advice which I value.

I know he was very upset to know I was in Cuba and we could not meet, whether that was due to bad communication, or the fact it was close to New year and he had no access to his friend's work computer, or could it be he was busy with someone else! who knows..

However I will not email him and await his communication. If he want to contact me he knows my email address. It is up to him.

I will keep you updated.

Alice.

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