Love and Trust in Cuba

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Love and Trust in Cuba

by Elsueno
(Canada)

Is there a way to make things easier?

Thank you to so many honest stories on this website. I've learned lots about the circumstances anyone would face dating/falling for a Cuban. There are goods, bads and terribles.
Been reading quite a bit of posts regarding con men and scamming relationships here, so I'm well aware of the situation. Even then, I feel the relationship have with this Cubano is very real. Fortunately, he has a privilege life on the island without facing major financial difficulties like other Cubans. He also had traveled for many places in Europe. I've stayed at his beautiful home when I'm on the island and have met his lovely family.
We connect really well in my levels and the relationship is extremely special. I have never felt this way before, knowing that I'm very picky and fortunate to have lots of good options all around me. Never thought that I could find something like this in Cuba.
So the concern of my story is not about scam nor trust.
And of course trust can only be strengthen with time.

We're also fortunately enough to be able to communicate by phone and email more regularly than most couples could. And the effort is both sides.

Here are some of my concerns and I hope your experiences can help me understand what I'm getting myself into.

1. How can I get to know him more if I would not move to the island nor spend more than 1-2 weeks at the time?

2. I would not marry him if I don't get to know him well by spending lots of quality time together. Is our relationship running into a dead end?

3. What if he's the one? How can I be sure if I don't get to spend time with him?

4. Though we're fortunate, regular communication is still too difficult. Hence, for a normal relationship to develop in a year, it might take us several years. Also, being in our late 30s and never been married, wanting to have kids, time is also an issue.

5. If things work out, suppose we get married 2 years later, realistically, how long can I bring him to Canada? Would that take antoher three years?

6. When an established man has to start from scratch to build a new life, leaving his sunny island behind to struggle with the basic in the cold Canadian winters? Would he make it?

7. And even with smooth sailing and in the best case scenario, it might takes 5-7 years until we can comfortably have kids.

8. The worst scenario is that after 5-7 years, we struggle and struggle and realize that no matter how hard we try, too many things couldn't fit together and love alone is not enough.

9. Understanding all this, I still want to take the harder route. Can you help me see things a bit clearer? Some days I feel that I don't care what's going to happen, I'll give this beautiful relationship a try anyway. Other days, I feel that maybe I shouldn't. If I fall in love so deep and couldn't get out anymore.. And then it might take 5 years for me to realize the dead end of the romance.

Is there a way to make the journey of this relationship easier so that I can commit myself like a normal relationship with ease?
Thank you so much for sharing.

Answer by Vic Webmaster

Let me share my experience: You have to
accept that only 10-20% of all marriages in Cuba are successful. (Not much better in most other countries). Most marriages "have no easy way" you have to learn each other, accept the bad and good things, survive together bad times and good times.
This all takes lots of acceptance and goodwill and love. In one word a good marriage is a lot of work, there's no easy way! The easy way is to divorce each time and start again. So it's very important that there's mutual attraction and similarities and at the same time acceptance of the other partner. So it's important you take your time to learn your partner and to build trust. How? Well try to expose your partner (and yourself) to different, sometimes a bit extreme situations. How does he react? I learnt a lot about the reactions of my Cuban wife when we argue (not all the time). How does he react to other people, poor people, rich people, can he laugh in desperate situations? Can he handle conflict situations? Many Cuban men blame their partner. A few questions, if he has no financial problems like most Cubans do, he probably can maintain you in Cuba. Go to Cuba and live for 3 or 6 months together, to learn each other. Why does he want to come to Canada? How will he earn an income in Canada? Note that many Cubans are homesick after a few years in a foreign country, don't underestimate the "Culture shock". Is he prepared to integrate? Or will he frequent Cuban cirles in Canada? A long distance relation is very difficult and often (not always) a dead end. Do you expect that a Cuban partner will live like a Monk in a distant relationship? In Cuba sex is cheaper than a drink. I don't want to be negative, but you should give your relation more time to evolve, but also take a look at the financial picture, many relations in Cuba are destroyed by financial problems.
Good Luck!
Wish you all the best.

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Love and Trust in Cuba

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Feb 14, 2012
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How to marry in Cuba?
by: Anonymous

This text was supposed to be together with the posting below but since only 300 characters are allow per post. I have to resubmit this again.

MOVING FORWARD:

If you were born in Canada, it might be simpler. You would need the following:
1) Affidavit of your Single status notarized and translated by a public notary lawyer office. DO NOT DO ANY MARRIAGE SEARCH. It's not recognized as suggested by some forums.

2) Then you need bring a photo copy of your birth certificate to the same office to get them translated into Spanish and notarized it as well.

If you're living in Toronto, there's this law office that is 2 min walking distance from the Cuban Consulate called Brunga Law Office that can do the services for you quickly and reasonably. Both of these documents would cost you around $160-$200.

Then need to get all four documents (2 in spanish & 2 in english) legalized at the Cuban Embassy for $700 at least (the price might change anytime). And they ONLY take cash or money order and the office hours are only from 10-1pm. The website is not bad but sometime you might not find all info you need there.

If you were born outside Canada, ALL steps above are necessary with the additional steps below.

1) Your birth certificate must be certified by the embassy of your birth country and translated to English.

You need around 4 weeks you have all this done.
Anyway, I'll update you with my story once a while and do drop by to share your stories. I do see more heart break stories every day and it's real sad that love got scammed and taken advantage of. It happens everywhere, not just in Cuba. It's a new social problem that our society has to deal with. Even in Canada, there are more single people than married people now. Divorce rate is high everywhere.

So when you find true love, it's definitely rare. And when you find it in this world, you will know it without doubts. However, people change and circumstances change. So follow your heart but remember that love is not everything. It has to work in the real world since you have to live with this person EVERY DAY for the rest of your life (assuming that's the intention anyway).

Good luck to all and please don't blame anyone or anything when your situation doesn't work out. Live and learn and we all can move on.

Feb 14, 2012
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Moving forward
by: Elsueno

Hello, it has been a while since I need to come back to this forum for info. Since my situation is moving forward, I thought I should share it with everyone so you can see the positive side of your situation but always be cautious, especially if you're a lady. I heard some situation that by the time she found out that her marriage was not genuine, she is already 6 month pregnant.

In my situation, I decided to move forward with the marriage procedure to sponsor him over. For me, this is a legal procedure but it's not an official marriage until we have our wedding which can be a year or two from now. So no one has to know about this. If things don't work out (because the future is unpredictable), I would consider this is to help him with a better life, a life with freedom. It's worth it if you do it for love.

Depending on the situation, you might always want to consider a prenup which is definitely ok and fair. It's probably something you think it mentally anyway but with the law, things need to be clarified in writing. Another advise that I would give is to think about worse case scenarios of living together in the long run, assuming the relationship is genuine. Will the relationship survive the worst case scenario in facing the reality of finances, career paths, short and long term goals, compatibilities, language barrier and so on if applicable. If you can live with all that you've thought out, then why not going with your heart to find your happiness.

Oct 20, 2011
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Don't loose faith in love
by: Elsueno

It has been many months since I come back to this forum. Many new stories arrived, mostly bad/sad b/c that's when people feel the need to express their anger or sadness. It's nice to find a good story once a while.

Dear Honza, thank you for your encouragement. Going with your gut feeling is what I always do and what I can always count on.

Dear the last anonymous, you don't seem to be at peace with yourself. You might not ever experience love in life. Be kind to life and life will be kind back to you.

When the relationship is in the infant state, there's too many unknowns and it's easy to doubt and fear, not only of the others but also of your ownself. It happens anywhere, in Cuba, in Canada or anywhere else on earth. Simply because we're human beings.

When you find love (must be mutual and balanced), there's no more doubt and fear. There's no more calculation. Unfortunately, many of us might not find or experience love in our life time because we fear too much. Fear of failure, fear of hurt, fear of judgement, fear of everything. Unfortunately not many of us know how to love either. Not to say that I know it yet either, I'm still learning and discovering.

I love the speech Steve Jobs made at Stanford Univ about confonting your death and follow your heart. Life is short, why live the life that someone else expects you to? Why not explore and learn. If the destination is the same, would you want to make your journey interesting at least? Why not live honestly and do whatever to minimize regrets?

Just open your heart and open your mind. Follow your guts but learn to be wise. What doesn't kill you make you stronger. Why fear?

Good luck to all.
El sueno

Sep 06, 2011
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'Educational Purposes' Yeah Right!
by: Anonymous

You say you are conducting 'research' looking for mugs to partcipate in your documentary for

'Educational Purposes'.

Don't make me laugh!.

What makes you think you can 'Educated' anyone when you clearly lack trust in your Cuban man.

You are the last one to prey on be a voyer to anyone personal affairs for the entertainment of the Canadian public, when you clearly cannot sort out your own life.

As someone previously pointed out you're parasite, like much of today's media, you want to fe a fly on the wall voyer, gloat on other women's misfortune for the entertainment of the mass public while you make a profit.

Why not start with yourself, take a look at your own relationship, why you lack trust in this man, and use your own story as material for your documentary.

Stop poking your nose into other people's lives, it's none of your damn business.

Sort out your own life before you judge and prey on others.

Sep 05, 2011
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Do it
by: Honza

Vic Webmaster gave you a great advise, which I want to give you as well: go to Cuba to live with your man for at least 6 months, one year preferably, and you will know much more. After a year together you will need no other people's advise, you will just know, go by your gutt feeling then. I wish you luck.

Jul 10, 2011
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Re: Why Not 'Follow' Your Own Story?
by: Elsueno

Reading your post, I could see why there are so discuss about one topic can easily turn into personal attack like other posts. Things can easily being taken out of context here.

Documentary is always for the purpose of education and trying to stay close to the truth of as many cases as possible.

Anyway, it was just an idea and only if other people consent of course. The more I look into this, the more I feel there's a need for others, especially Canadians to know about this truth. Many people have learned from their painful experience and many time they want to speak up so that the others don't have to go through what they've had. That's part of sharing like how we're doing in this forum. It's good but not enough information to help the others seeing clearly to make better decision about their relationship.

If you notice my recent post that I've learned to be more alert with potential harm but also came out strong with my relationship where fears are slowly disappearing...

I hope many others could benefit the same way. Either to identify frauds or clear their doubts... Good luck to everyone and thank to Victor again :)

Jul 08, 2011
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Why Not 'Follow' Your Own Story?
by: Anonymous

Why would you yoyeristically need to 'follow' anyone's romance for material when you have your own story, and let's face it what could be better than basing your film on what you know, yourself and your boyfriend.

Vic is a decent man, he never exposes names or personal details of those mainly women who pour their hearts out here.

Yet you come on here asking for approval of your Cuban's love or trustworthiness when really you are seeking material for your documentary.

Why would anyone be dumb enough to allow you to pry into their personal life, their personal affair for entertainment so you can make a profit and entertain Canadians at their expense.

You do not seem like a nice woman. Not at all.

I can understand why you have doubts about your boyfriend.

He most likely does not trust you either. I would not. And that is why he has not committed to you 100 % and your instincts tell you this.

Jul 08, 2011
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Hi KV, I'm glad we're in the same boat
by: Anonymous

The last few nights, I've been obsessed with reading other stories on this website. It go the the point that everything sound fightening when real or fake can also be almost identical. I felt numb for a while and couldn't even be receptive to anything he said anymore...

Then the more I read, the more I feel that there is a pattern to these negative stories.. the more I feel that it doesn't apply to me. Though I would stay alert for sure but I no longer feel as bad I as did the last few days about the whole situation.

Now I can feel that he's real again and I'm working on the option to obtain him a work permit in Canada. I've looked into it a bit and it's difficult but not impossible.

I'm going back to the island the end of this month again for a few days. I'm thinking about working on a documentary about romance in Cuba... since I will be back to the island often. If anyone interested to let me follow their story (no matter what stage you're at), let me know and allow Victor to send me your email contact. That way, we can communicate privately without having to expose your contact in the forum.

Victor, would you be able to help out with that?
Thank you.

Jul 07, 2011
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Short-term visit?
by: KV

Hi Love and Trust,

I think you have sort of answered your own questions!

You're right in that the only way to answer your questions and address your doubts is to spend more time together, in person.

Unless you bite the bullet and change your work circumstances to allow at least a few months in Cuba (which you say is not an option), then it follows that the only way is for your fella to come to Canada (which you do suggest in one of your earlier comments).

I don't know the ins and outs of Canadian immigration, but I'm always a bit surprised at the posts from Canadians that talk about needing to marry before bringing their partner to Canada.

Surely it's worth it to have a shorter-term visit first, to try out all these things you mention (climate, culture, starting from the bottom) without the pressure of a marriage commitment? While it would be awesome if our working holiday visa programs extended to Cubans, there's surely some other angle in the Canadian system to bring him out short to medium term?

At present, I am working through the many, many processes to bring my Cuban boyfriend to Australia. Am prepared to make this commitment to give us up to a year together and see how he goes here. Sounds a little similar to your situation - my bloke has a relatively comfortable rural life in Cuba, where he's on par with his peers (works two jobs - in the fields and as a horseriding guide, everyone in his immediate family works).

In Australia, his immediate options will be minimum-wage jobs in a town or city much larger than what he's used to. Unlike your guy, he doesn't speak much English and hasn't travelled, so am under no illusions that it's going to be a massive challenge. But we won't be married, and he'd be free to leave early if we can't hack it.

Have also had to be more brutally upfront with him than in past relationships - he will need to work here, I can't be an aid fund for the family, he can't stay forever, it will be frustrating, there are many immigration rules, etc...

If things are still going well when his time here is up, I'll look to quit work and head to Cuba for a little while. I feel that there isn't really a substitute for getting to know someone in their own environment, and I've had to accept that it won't be until that stage that I would get any real evidence on the Cuban wife question. Until then, it's just words and gut instincts.

Good luck! Whatever you do, don't rush. Immigration processes kind of take care of that one anyway...

Jul 05, 2011
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Love And Trust Cannot Be Bought!
by: Anonymous

Love does'nt have a price tag.

Love and trust cannot be bought.

Trust has to be earned....over time.

It's not something that happens overnight.

Jul 05, 2011
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How to test?
by: Elsueno

First of all, there are other ways on the island to make money besides those categories listed below.

I'm not doubting him for being a scammer. I've been ready lots of posts here and it is very frightening with all these cases.. and of course it does make me wonder because as many has put it Cuba is a place where the art of conning is PERFECT.

I understand many people have been through this so they couldn't help it from warning me. I appreciate that. Hence I'm more alert than before for sure.

Victor, I don't think there's a perfect world or partner either. But you can always find someone who match you best and you can feel happy, trusted & love. There's no need to live in fears.

How can I test the relationship? The only thing I can to do is to confront him with the issues and see his reaction, and start paying attentions to little things and only time will tell... If my gut feeling ever feels uneasy, I probably won't be able to continue the relationship. It's already so hard being long distance.

My struggle is not about fears of scamming. My struggle is about how to make this relationship works even it's true love... when there are endless obstacles for it being Cuba. It's so not easy when regular communication is so difficult.

Jul 05, 2011
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Test Him
by: Karen

It's clear that you have doubts about this man. So you need to put his love to the test.

If as you say he has access to the internet why not put his love to the test by setting up a fake account on Facebook.

This is how I discovered that my Cuban man was not what he claimed to be. Not at all.

My Cuban ex also had what you referred to as a 'priveleged' position working for a government dept.

(But did not have a pot to pee in financially).

.None of them do, os they are always on the make, looking for a mug to fly them out of poverty.

He had internet access all day and idled his days online. Little wonder Castro has laid off half a million idlers.

I knew he had Facebook so before I made another expensive trip back to see him I put him to the test by inventing a fake profile, a beautiful blonde called Isabel who approached him on Facebook.

He immediately took the bait and within minutes he was asking for her cell phone no. home no., Skype ID.

He invited her to his home and offered to show her his 'beautiful island'.

Within a couple of days he was telling 'Isabel' he loved her, how he was single, had never felt like this before.

He said he'd had a relationship with a foreign woman, who now 'meant nothing' to him.

I was stunned. I can tell you that Isabel saved me a lot of long term grief, emotional and financial.

I suggest you put this man to the test before you invest your life in him, you already have doubts so why not find out what he is really like when you're not around.

If he does not have access to Facebook then send an attractive female to Cuba to run into him 'accidently' and see how he reacts.

If he loves you for real he will never be tempted.

Unless you put him to the test you will never know.

Jul 04, 2011
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How???
by: Marianne Delgado

From what I know, the only people in Cuba that are able to live a bit better than the others are:

1. The people who have families in the US who send them money to buy more food and other necessities OR

2. Those who live in rural areas outside of Havana, i.e. Santa Clara, etc. who farm their land who will always have enough fruits and vegs so they aren't always hungry.

3. People who scam from tourists.

So which category does this man fit in to?

Jul 04, 2011
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Why Cuban divorce rate so high?
by: Elsueno

I'm also curious why the divorce rate in Cuba is so high? (70% and rising)
What are the main issues of fail marriages in Cuba?

Jul 04, 2011
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Questions need answers
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.I'm already aware of the worst case scenario. Assuming the relationship is a rare honest love, what options do I have and what are the things I can expect in the "best case scenario" if I would not move to Cuba or agree to stay there for an extended period of time.

Let's put it this way, if I live in Cuba without a job, he could provide financial support for us to live a comfortable life. This I know. Luckily, he only has one member of his immediate family to take care of, which is good news.

"True love" is hard to find and I believe a very small percent of us can actual experience the selfless love with whom you want to be with "in sickness or in health". Yes, love alone is not enough but it can also be almost everything depending on the situation.

I don't doubt the relationship we have but I doubt the uncertainties of the future given the difficult situation we're in. It's frightening to realize that there's never enough time to know someone truly... There's always risk we everything we do but would this worth the pain? I can't answer that since I haven't got enough experience yet... My urge is more yes then no. However, not enough yes to feel completely at ease with me decision.
I'd love to hear more opions.

Answer by Vic

I am afraid you idealize the world. Sorry, but you will never find "the perfect solution, the perfect scenario, the perfect partner etc.
You have to trust yourself that you can manage your own future. It looks to me that you search 100% trust, love, security, faith etc etc.
Well believe me this doesn't exist. I know "perfect marriages" where the wife suddenly left after 25 years of a good marriage, I know people who lost everything of assets after they were scammed by a trustworthy person, whom they knew and loved for more than 20 years. So, trust, love, etc. are relative terms. Don't think too much, go on with your life and be vigilant and happy too.

Jul 04, 2011
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I Agree
by: Anonymous

I totally agree with the last post. When you have to seek affirmation of the solidity of your relationship then you clearly alrady have doubts. Perhaps justifiaby so.

Four words stood out for me in your story......'Love Is Not Enough'. So true. These words sum up relationships with Cuban men.

Love is never enought when you are involved with a Cuban. Because you have to take on board his extended family. Not cheap. As the last lady said, the stress of 7 years of financing the extended family was just too much.

So Love clearly is never enough when it comes to love with a Cuban partner.Then you have the infidelity as the previous poster was honst enough to admit. He was unfaithful when in Cuba.

We Westerners are seen as a great catch, a walking ATM. You said he is established in Cuba but let's face it, even the most renowned professional even a Doctor never earns more than $15 per month.

You may love him. he may love you. But to be totally honest with you when you fall for a Cuban man you take on his extended family. There is no getting away from it. He is under the thumb of the Mamma, Abuela, Tia, sobrina, colleagues de trabajo, all of whom have their oar in. Their opinion their point of view.

You're not dealing with him alone, you are dealing with minimum 15 other females who are all indoctrinating him on what he should be doing, saying, asking.

You are the honeypot, the Lottery, their pot of gold and they will not let you go so easily.

Many women like you travel to Cuba when their biological clock is ticking over.

They get pregnant in the late 30's 40's. But when that child is 10 will you see him at night, that's if he's still around? I doubt it.

I speak from experience based on women I know.

I know two women, plain, hardly what you'd call attractive, but solvent professionals in their early 50's, who like you they went to Cuba 10 years ago, and fell for charmers in Santiago, got pregnant, both were well paid professionals. A perfect target for a Cuban man in search of a visa out of poverty.

Today these women spend their nights at home alone, while their Cuban men, playboys, are trawling the latin night clubs.

Neither of the men have had a proper 'day job' in the 10 years they've lived here. They are a burden, leeches on the welfare state and poncing off their wives.

One woman, a travel editor on a well known woman's glossy magazine has been walked all over.

She is her little dreadlock's sponger's paymaster, not just him, him but his extended family. More fool her!! But she lacks the the cojones to boot him out.

But both women now in their early 50's have sufficiently low self esteem to accept the B.S. and infidelity, much to the disgust of their friends and families.

Jul 04, 2011
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questions, questions
by: Anonymous

it is said if you have to ask,then why continue. Sounds like too many doubts. I waited 7 years before my husband came here and we could only manage to live together less than 6 months. I also stayed with him at his home for several months at a time. The finances and different living style caused too many stresses for me to handle. We are still friends 7 years later but he is still the same. He doesn't mess around with women here but admitted he was unfaithful in cuba. Anyway i hope you find your answers.

Jul 04, 2011
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Thank you Victor - the road is tough
by: Elsueno

Yes, he can support me in Cuba no problem but due to the nature of my work. I cannot possibly be in Cuba for longer than 2 weeks. So for me to live in Cuba for several months is out of the question.

Yes, I believe he can adapt well to new environments because he has lived in other countries before and speaks other languages besides English & Spanish. So in a way, I don't think he is a typical Cuban man. However, in reality, to start a new life again somewhere from the bottom is really hard for any man.

If a Cuban leaves Cuba traveling, how long can he be away each time? Perhaps he can spend sometime in Canada to see how he can cope with it, while we get to spend more time together.

What kind of cost involved for a Cuban to leave the country for vacation? And how long would it take to apply for an exit?

How can I be sure that he's faithful to me when sex is so accessible on the island, especially in his circumstances? I guess I just have to trust my instinct, if I can't trust him on this, there's no point to continue this relationship right?

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Love and Trust in Cuba